by Anonymous
In spite of the fact they do enjoy a Congressional charter, we’ve always been a fan of the Boy Scouts. We like the self-defining virtues they enumerate in the Boy Scout Law: “Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent.”
And the overriding virtue as defined in the Boy Scout motto: Be Prepared! (Exclamation original.)
Ahah! Gotcha, you little terrorist bastards! “Be Prepared!” “Be Prepared?” How dare you, you [sputter, sputter] subversive little creeps. We should have known you were wannabe terrorists when you said it was good to be “reverent.” And now our suspicions are confirmed: you have been observed and duly reported as having bought waterproof match containers, flashlights and [gasp] MREs, purchased with cash from your last fundraiser. PLUS yo’ Mamma dresses you funny—further reason for suspicion—and at that baked-goods sale we personally observed one among you who had bright stains on his clothes and, frankly, was emitting strange odors.
In the continuum of government by Alan Funt and Lewis Carroll, the Bureau of Justice Assistance (BJA), and the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), part of the U.S. Department of Justice, evidently as part of a Communities Against Terrorism initiative, are circulating a flyer entitled Potential Indicators of Terrorist Activities Related to Military Surplus Stores.
To be fair, at the bottom of this flyer in illegible 6-point type is the disclaimer:
“Each indicator listed above is, by itself, lawful conduct or behavior and may also constitute the exercise of rights guaranteed by the U.S. Constitution. In addition there may be a wholly innocent explanation [not “innocent reason”? Why should Lucy have some ’splainin’ to do?] for conduct or behavior that appears suspicious in nature [see below for what are considered indicators of suspect behavior; we think whoever wrote this needs to get out of the house more often . . .] For this reason, no single indicator should be the sole basis for law enforcement action. The totality of behavioral indicators and other relevant circumstances should be evaluated when considering any law enforcement response or action.”
Further, the closing paragraph to the document says: “Some of the activities, taken individually, could be innocent [it follows, then, that some “indicators” listed below, taken individually, could not be innocent . . .] and must be examined by law enforcement professionals . . .”
We usually hold law enforcement professionals in good regard, but what gives us pause here is that this sophomoric document itself was prepared by law enforcement professionals, “compiled from a review of terrorist events over several years.” There is no indication given why all the suspicious goods/activities mentioned are believed to potentially have sprung from “military surplus stores,” as the items specified are also stocked in big box stores and major sporting goods chains—and many are at grocery and corner hardware stores.
Now, we’re not trying to take over from Andy Rooney, but here are annotated excerpts under the following header: “What Should I Consider Suspicious?”
- Insist on paying with cash. [Tut, tut, tut: don’t rob the sugar bowl to buy that flashlight, or there’ll be a knock on the door . . .]
- Alter their appearance from visit to visit (shaving beard, changing hair color, style of dress, etc.). [But, these are all things the wife has been nagging me to do for years.]
- Have missing hand/fingers, chemical burns, strange odors or bright colored stains on clothing. [We’re four for four on that one, too . . . Guess the schmuck who wrote this never worked around machinery.]
- Possess little knowledge of intended purchase items. [Umm, so just why does every retail item from a collar stay to a pocket calculator come with an instruction manual? For some time now, we have sensed a guvvermint plot to rid all retail establishments of clerks who could knowledgeably answer questions about a prospective purchase, is this why? To weed out the terrorists among us?]
- Make bulk purchases of items to include:
- Weatherproofed ammunition or match containers. [The heck wit’ you, Jeffrey, buy your own damn Tupperware. I’m not going to jail because you’re too stingy to make the trip into town.]
- Meals Ready to Eat. [Shop the sales, stock up, and go to jail? Can I still buy a whole case of Dinty Moore Beef Stew at Costco? Oh, that’s right, that’d make me not only a terror suspect but a “hoarder” as well.]
- Night vision devices; night flashlights; gas masks. [“Night flashlights”? Huh? Does that mean there is a “day flashlight”? I’ll bet those are cheap, because they don’t need batteries and bulbs. No gas masks? But you said my fellow suspects may have strange odors.]
- High-capacity magazines. [We are bashful about quoting the law to “law enforcement professionals,” especially on the federal level, but that law mercifully sunsetted, dontchaknow . . .]
- Bipods or tripods for rifles. [We’re still trying to envision somebody making a bulk purchase of rifle tripods. Is there a war on antelope nobody told us about? Most we’ve seen were adapted camera tripods—are photo shops monitored too?]
“It is important to remember that just because someone’s speech, actions, beliefs, appearance, or way of life is different, it does not mean that he or she is suspicious.”
But if some nogoodnik comes in and asks for a quote on several night flashlights, you are advised to “require valid ID from all new customers, keep records of purchases, . . . ask questions and listen to and observe their responses, . . . make notes of suspicious statements, people, and/or vehicles . . .”
Ahhh, yasss: a snitch in time, saves nine. Sprechen sie Deutsch?
This was written by a Paladin author who prefers to remain anonymous to protect what’s left of his privacy. We can assure you that he is no terrorist, though he almost certainly has more than one of the items on the “guvvermint” list. He may or may not have been a Boy Scout in a previous life, but he does adhere to its motto: Be Prepared. And so does Paladin.